CON-QUEST ISSUE DETAILS:
Raksha's Rantings ... from Con-Quest #17, Fall 1996

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For a period of about a year and a half I lived two lives simultaneously - one as Raksha in my day-to-day business, and the other by night, in an internet role-playing environment, as Soundwave. All of that came to an end not long ago in a most unpleasant manner, and sent me through a whirlwind tour of all those "stages of grief" that you read about: denial, bargaining, anger, acceptance. (Or semi-acceptance, as the case may be.) It really *was* the end of a life, and as such an accompanying loss, despite the fact that the pain of that other life had long outweighed the pleasure, and it was only a matter of finding the right catalyst to free myself. In the process, though, I learned some interesting things, and I'd rather discuss those than the unhappy endings.

Soundwave, as some of you know, has been my favorite Transformer from the beginning. I have always had a very clear sense of who he was, despite the fact that he was almost a background character on the cartoon. But from the first time I heard that fantastic voice and saw him warn Megatron of Starscream's attempted attacks, through all the little bits of his nature that came through if you watched carefully, it was clear to me that here was the most rare and precious of all personalities: someone you could trust without reservation, someone who was loyal, dedicated, competent, caring, and who would stand by you to the ends of time and space once he'd pledged his friendship.

When I was first asked to take on Soundwave's role, I hesitated - because I wasn't sure if my meager role-playing capabilities could do the character justice. While I know how he *should* be portrayed, his nature is not mine - the equanimity, the utter composure in the face of events that would make *me* react with fear or fury - the oh-so-enviable ability to simply not let the idiots of the world disturb him. It's a secret that I have never learned, even after so long in Soundwave's role, and I know I slipped up on occasion and let too much of my own talons show when Soundwave would simply have regarded the situation with that utterly unreadable indifference. Still, I did my best to live up to the image, and molded myself into his life.

Problem was, the environment was post-Movie, third season, the year 2005. Soundwave had stood by in the shuttle and made no counter-move while Starscream flung Megatron out into space. It resulted not only in Megatron's death, but in the creation of Galvatron as the new Decepticon leader - a situation that threatened to plunge the Decepticons themselves into a downward spiral from which there seemed no return. The troops were disorganized, chaotic, and badly on the losing side of the war; they had lost their self-respect under an incompetent leader and were lashing out randomly at the universe and at each other. It never left Soundwave's mind that, if he had acted to save Megatron, not only would his best friend and leader still be alive, but the Decepticons would still be on course toward their destiny, rather than in imminent danger of extinction. More than once he stood at the edge of the smelting pits and contemplated simply letting himself fall. But the Decepticon army needed him - his creations needed him - and Soundwave has never been one to run from his responsibilities. Concealing his own almost unendurable guilt behind the usual mask of calm serenity, he helped maneuver the Decepticons back on course, putting his dedication into pulling others back from the abyss, determined that his creations would live to one day see the war end in a Decepticon victory.

The question remains: Why *did* he stand by and let Starscream throw Megatron out of the shuttle without so much as an objection? I have always attributed it to the alternate-universe nature of the Movie - that this Soundwave in the Movie and third-season universe was simply not the same guy as the one I'd grown to love so much in the pre-Movie cartoons, just as Megatron was subtly different and off-character; that, while he had a lot of similar traits, he wasn't entirely the same. That turned out not to be true. I discovered in the course of role-playing, while interacting with the cassettes and others, that Soundwave didn't step forward to object because he feared for his life at that point - and much more importantly, he feared for the lives of his cassette-creations within him. The Decepticons riding home in Astrotrain during the Movie were caught up in anarchy and mindless chaos - their judgments were clouded by the shock of defeat in the face of what should have been victory, by seeing so many of their comrades fall and not having escaped unscathed themselves. They were dangerous with the thoughtless mob mentality that could be directed too easily with a well-placed word from Starscream. And as Soundwave judged the situation, he would have been torn to pieces himself and thrown out alongside his leader if he made an attack on Starscream just then. Better to come back on his own later and retrieve Megatron himself. It was no more than a few minutes afterward that he realized what a terrible mistake his judgment had been, and thus his own bid for leadership in the shuttle - a desperate, unsuccessful attempt to force the others to turn back for those they had abandoned.

And as I found out, he never forgave himself for the lapse that cost Megatron his life and the Decepticons their future - despite the fact that his concern for his creations was a perfectly understandable, perhaps even forgivable, reason for the hesitation - despite the fact that any attempted intervention on his part would probably have been as unsuccessful as his ploy for the leadership.

Soundwave in the 2005 universe came to harbor a true loathing for Galvatron as it became more and more clear that Megatron could not exist because Galvatron did. Previous to this, I'd never have imagined Soundwave capable of hating a fellow Decepticon. Previous to this, he'd never have imagined himself capable of it either. But to say that I learned things about Soundwave while living his life that I didn't know before, would not be entirely true. It was more like a clarification, an added layer of definition. That which I already knew about him in nebulous form, came into a much sharper focus. And I know, as well, that I would never intentionally put him, or myself, into the barren waking-nightmare existence of the post-Movie universe ever again.

The End