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The Purple Hand of Rumble by Crazomatic

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Personal Disclaimer: I do not own Transformers or Lord of the Rings.

[The world of Middle Earth has changed greatly since we last visited our heroes. The fires of Mt. Doom grow hot once more. The sight greatly alarms Gandalf, who fears the Evil Lord Sauron has found a new object he greatly desires. He decides to ride to Autobot City to inform Optimus Prime of the news. He reaches the gate and is greeted by Ultra Magnus].

Ultra Magnus: Hello Gandalf!

Gandalf: Hello Ultra Magnus, I have come. . . .

Ultra Magnus: To visit Optimus Prime, yes I know. I'm very glad you came, as Optimus has been acting very odd lately.

Gandalf: Odd? Tell me something; how long have the Autobots lived in Mt. St. Hilary before they moved out?

Ultra Magnus: I'm not sure as to the exact date, but I know they have lived in that mountain for years.

Gandalf: Hmmm. It may be worse than I feared. What has happened since I last left you?

Ultra Magnus: Why don't you come see for yourself? (The both enter the city).

(Gandalf knocks on Optimus Prime's door at his quarters)

Optimus: Go away! I don't want any visitors!

Gandalf: Not even from some old friends?

Optimus: Whose there?

Gandalf: It's me Gandalf!

Optimus: Ah HELL no! I'm not letting you in! You always bring me bad news.

Gandalf: Ultra Magnus, break down the door!

(Ultra Magnus breaks down the door and they both charge into the room. Optimus is hiding behind his desk holding his Matrix. The room lights are off and would be completely dark if not for the sunlight shining through the window. Empty energon containers lay skewed about the floor).

Gandalf: Optimus Prime, I must speak with you at once!

Optimus: Why have you come here? You've come to take my precious away haven't you? Haven't you? Well, it's mine! It's mine! My precious is mine! (He hugs the Matrix).

Ultra Magnus: You see? I can't get him to do much anymore; he just sits in here hiding all day, clutching the Matrix in the dark. I've had to relieve him of duty until he snaps out of it.

Gandalf: Ultra Magnus, Optimus lived in the Arc for several years thinking it was an ordinary mountain. But it wasn't an ordinary mountain! Mount St. Hilary was in fact Mt. Orodruin!

Ultra Magnus: Mt. Orodruin? Where's that?

Gandalf: It's otherwise known as Mt. Doom!

Ultra Magnus: HOLY!

Gandalf: Yes, what is worse is that the fires of Mt. Doom grow hot once more. I'm afraid the evil Lord Sauron may have placed his spirit into the Matrix before the One Ring was cast into the fire. What I can't figure out though is how that occurred!

Ultra Magnus: The Arc lay dormant in the mountain for millions of years. Sauron might have detected the power of the Matrix while the Autobots were still deactivated. It's possible he may have used the Matrix as a back up plan if the One Ring was ever destroyed.

Gandalf: Yes, quite possible. So, his spirit endures once more! Only, this time I don't know how to destroy him.

Ultra Magnus: Not to worry Gandalf! I'll just order the Protectobots to form Superion and destroy the mountain!

Gandalf: It's not that simple. If you destroy the mountain, Optimus Prime will be affected by the destruction also. Sauron has the power to end all life in Middle Earth, and that is not a comforting thought! This will take great planning indeed!

(There is a rustle of noise heard outside the window).

Gandalf: Optimus! Get down! (Optimus is not paying any attention to them, as he is having a tea party with the Matrix).

(Ultra Magnus sneaks over to the window and grabs the intruder, slamming him onto the desk).

Ultra Magnus: HOT ROD!!!!!!!

Gandalf: A little late for trimming the verge!

Hot Rod: Uh . . . . Hi guys!

Gandalf: What were you doing eavesdropping on our conversation?

Hot Rod: Nothing!

Ultra Magnus: Tell us what you heard!

Hot Rod: Uh . . . .

Gandalf: SPEAK!

Hot Rod: Nothing! Only something about a Dark Lord, a Matrix, and the end of the world! Please, Gandalf, please don't hurt me and turn me into anything, . . . ORGANIC.

(Gandalf looks amused. Ultra Magnus helps Hot Rod up on his feet). I think we have better plans for you!

(Hot Rod has a puzzled look on his face).

*

[Saruman flies high over the Pacific Ocean on a Nazgul. A great tower of metal shoots up from the water and the Nazgul enters the opening shaft].

(Saruman enters the underwater base, and is approached by Rumble).

Saruman: Greetings Decepticon! I have come to form an alliance with your race.

Rumble: Yeah, whatever! Here, wait in the lobby with the other potentials!

Saruman: Potentials?

(Saruman enters the "lobby" and sees a room filled with other evil bad guys, including Goblin; Skelator; Magneto; Darth Vader; Lex Luther; Cy-Kill; and many others. Saruman is astonished by all the bad guys sitting on benches waiting for their number to be chosen. Saruman walks over to a ticket meter and takes a number ticket).

Saruman: This is ridiculous! Why must I, the great and powerful Saruman wait in the lobby with these idiots!

(Suddenly, Rumble throws out Jesse, James and Meowth from Pokemon out of the command center. They skid to a stop at the end of the lobby).

Rumble: Get out of our base you pathetic excuse for bad guys!

Jesse: How dare you throw us out! We are the perfect example of bad guys!

James: Yes! Prepare for trouble!

Jesse: Make that double!

James: To protect the world . . . .

Rumble: I SAID GET OUT!!!!

(They run for their lives into a hot air balloon and float away. Meowth sticks his tongue out at Rumble).

Rumble: Bad guys these days, I swear! All right, number 187, you're up!

(Magneto jumps for joy that it's his turn, FINALLY. He runs into the command center, where Megatron, Soundwave, and Starscream are sitting at a table waiting for the newest hopeful's audition. The rest of the Decepticon gang is standing nearby watching. Saruman peeks into the room to see what's going on).

Starscream: All right number 187; show us what you can do!

(Magneto uses his abilities of magnetism to lift all the Decepticons off the ground).

Starscream: AAAHHHHHH!!!!! Put us down, put us down!!!!!!! (He does and they crash on the ground).

Megatron: Very impressive uh . . . what's your name?

Magneto: My name is Magneto!

Megatron: I think he was very good, very promising, what do you think Soundwave?

(Soundwave nods his head in agreement).

Megatron: Starscream?

Starscream: Do you actually think you've got talent! You're a disgrace! In fact, if you think you've got what it takes to win this contest, you better show me something better than that!

Megatron: Aren't you being a little hard on the guy?

Starscream: You're pathetic! Your power reminds me of some pre-school science project!

Megatron: STARSCREAM!

Starscream: Rumble! Get him out of here!!!!!! (Rumble grabs Magneto and kicks him back into the lobby).

Megatron: He wasn't that bad!

Starscream: How do you know what it takes to make it in this business! I've seen them come and go, and they need to be a lot better than that if they want to be in the Deception gang! (The other Decepticons cheer in agreement).

Megatron: Fine, SIMON! Whose next?

Saruman: I'm next! (They all look over to find Saruman, whose walking toward the table).

Starscream: Another loser? Let's see what you can do!

Saruman: Loser you say? Let's see if losers can do this! (He points his staff at the three of them at the desk, where they transform into organic beings. Megatron becomes a T-Rex, Starscream becomes a Woolly Mammoth, and Soundwave becomes a chicken).

Starscream: I'm a horrible organic!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Megatron: Look at all your nasty hair!!! Turn us back, turn us back!!!!

Saruman: Not until you make me the winner of this stupid contest!

Megatron: OKAY OKAY! You win!

(Saruman transforms them back to their robotic selves).

All three: THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!

Saruman: Now will you hear me out?

Megatron: Okay, what's your story.

Saruman: My name is Saruman and I come from the land of Middle Earth from the Tower Orthanc. My mission is to serve the great and terrible Lord Sauron, who is now gaining power within Mountain Orodruin.

Megatron: Mt. Orodruin? Where's that?

Saruman: It's otherwise known as Mt. Doom.

All: HOLY!

Megatron: Ah YES! That's Optimus Prime's old place, Muhahahaha! He left because he couldn't handle it anymore, what a total loser!

Saruman: Yes, . . . . .as I was saying, Sauron's spirit lives! I have come to call on your assistance, as he desires to conquer Middle Earth! But in order for him to do so, we are going to need a particular object.

Megatron: Please don't tell me we need the Matrix! I am so sick and tired of that old story. The Matrix this, and the Matrix that! It's always about that stupid thing, why, we Transformers have never been the same since it was invented in the movie!

(The other Decepticons nod in agreement)

Megatron: Remember those good old days? Prime and I could fight and be this close to utter annihilation, and never once did he try to open it and save the day! Now it seems it's always the center of attention, "Hey Optimus! I have a rash, why don't you whip out the Matrix and make it all better!' "Okay!' GAWD! I'm so sick of it.

Saruman: You may posses the Matrix when Sauron's spirit returns to the mountain.

Megatron: OKAY!!!! (Starscream glares at Megatron in disgust).

Saruman: Fine! Then we form a partnership right here and now!

Megatron: Well, maybe, but first you're going to need to show me some credentials.

Saruman: Why do I need to show you my credentials?

Megatron: Hey, I just can't have anybody be my evil sidekick. I mean, look at who I settled for last time I did that! (He points at Starscream).

Starscream: HEY! He's just kidding, Saruman! We go through this all the time.

Megatron: No I'm not. You really do suck as an evil sidekick. I should just kill you off and get an evil clone of myself. Hey Saruman, can you make an evil clone of me?

Saruman: Why in Middle Earth would you want an evil clone of yourself?

Megatron: Because having an evil clone makes bad guys like us look really cool! Both Captain Picard and Dr. Evil have one, and now I want mine!

Saruman: Tell you what. You help Lord Sauron conquer Middle Earth, and I'll make you an evil clone.

Megatron: REALLY???

Saruman: Yes.

Megatron: DEAL!

Starscream: What a minute! You just can't dump me as your evil sidekick, Megatron! Who else will you have fights with? Who else will tell you that your plans are utterly retarded? Who else will you blame for all your own mistakes and then chase me around the world in an evil rage? Who else will tuck you into bed at night?

Megatron: I TOLD YOU NEVER TO MENTION THAT!!!!

Starscream: Oh yeah, sorry.

Megatron: Maybe it is time you got replaced Starscream!

Starscream: Yeah right! Why doesn't your new "sidekick' show us what else he can do with that stick?

Saruman: Oh yeah! (Saruman whips out a copy of "Fellowship of the Ring' and sticks it into the computer. On the screen they watch the battle of Gandalf and Saruman in the tower, throwing each other around).

Megatron: Impressive! Okay, you can join us!

Saruman: Good! Now let us start our evil plan!

(Starscream scowls at Megatron, then runs for the exit and flies away).

Starscream: You'll be sorry you dumped me Megatron, VERY SORRY!

Megatron: Don't worry, he'll be back. What a cry baby!

________________________________________________________________________

Gandalf: Hot Rod, you will lead Optimus Prime to Mount Orodruin. While you're walking there, I'll figure out what we are to do!

Hot Rod: Where's Mount Orodruin?

Gandalf: It's otherwise known as Mt. Doom.

Hot Rod: HOLY!!!!

Gandalf: Yes, you must guard Optimus well, never let him out of your sight! The closer you get, the more under the influence he will become under the spell of Sauron.

Hot Rod: Listen, why don't we just end this tonight! We'll jump into Skylynx and be at the mountain by sunset, piece of cake!

Gandalf: LOOK! This isn't going to be an epic adventure if we take the easy way out and fly there, STUPID! Here, read these books (Gandalf throws the trilogy of Lord of the Rings at Hot Rod).

(Hot Rod flips through the pages)

Hot Rod: Walk????? We have to walk there? That sucks!

Ultra Magnus: What do you want me to do, Gandalf?

Gandalf: Stay here and guard your city. If I know Saruman well, he has also discovered Mt. Doom igniting and will be trying to join forces with another evil group to overthrow Middle-Earth.

Ultra Magnus: That could only mean one thing. Megatron!

Gandalf: Let us pray that is not the case! (He runs outside the city and jumps on Shadowfax).

Ultra Magnus: Where are you going, Gandalf?

Gandalf: To summon the forces of good to aid our quest. Sauron must never live again to torture the land once more! (He starts to gallop off).

Ultra Magnus: Wait Gandalf! I've got Springer here, why don't you let me have him fly you there instead of riding that horse?

Gandalf: You Transformers don't get it do you? An EPIC adventure is what I'm creating here, an EPIC adventure! It won't be much of an EPIC if I fly everywhere and use advanced technology to get us out of this mess. Maybe you need to read those books too.

Ultra Magnus: Oh, sorry.

Gandalf: Besides, I'm afraid of heights. That's why I don't have my own tower. Farewell! (He gallops off)

(Ultra Magnus waves goodbye, then turns to look at Hot Rod, who's looking at the ground sulking)

Ultra Magnus: Now is not the time to start feeling sorry for your self!

Hot Rod: But why do I have to go on this stupid quest?

Ultra Magnus: Why not you!

Hot Rod: Ah, come on Magnus! You know I don't like Optimus Prime! He locked me a closet for a whole year for no reason, and I didn't DO anything!

Ultra Magnus: Trust me, Optimus saved you from a lot of grief! Here I'll prove it to you!

(Ultra Magnus and Hot Rod run into the city. Ultra Magnus pulls out a copy of Transformers the Movie and fast forwards to the scene where Megatron uses Hot Rod as a shield to kill off Optimus).

Hot Rod: Oooops! My bad!

Ultra Magnus: Now do you understand why he locked you in the closet that year?

Hot Rod: Yes. Geeze, now I feel all obligated to help him, which is good because I WAS making plans to throw his dumb ass into the fires of Mt. Doom for that!

Ultra Magnus: You're more twisted than I thought Hot Rod!

Hot Rod: Hey, locking me in a closet for a year was a pretty screwed up thing to do when I didn't DO anything wrong!

Ultra Magnus: (think for a moment) Well, I guess he did go a little overboard.

Hot Rod: Yeah, well, he better not pull anything new on me either, or else I'll be asking him whether he likes his Matrix served regular or extra crispy!

(Ultra Magnus gives Hot Rod a cross look).

Hot Rod: Oh I'm just kidding! C'mon let's grab Optimus so we can get this over with!

Soundwave: Laserbeak returns, Megatron!

Megatron: Excellent Laserbeak! Soundwave, tell me what he has found!

Saruman: Wait, I can tell you! (He closes his eyes and hovers his hand over the Palantir stone) He has found the location of Optimus Prime! He is heading to Mount Doom as we speak with some small, puny, red robot covered with flame.

Megatron: Ooooooohh, you're good. That clone is as good as mine!

Laserbeak: SQUAWK!!! (Laserbeak has a pissed off look on his face).

Rumble: I think you upset Laserbeak, Saruman. (Laserbeak transforms back to cassette mode and slams back into Soundwave).

Soundwave: Laserbeak is mad, Megatron!

Megatron: Ah, he'll get over it. What a cry baby!

Saruman: We must not allow Optimus Prime to destroy the spirit of Sauron! We must intercept them and take the Matrix before they reach the Mountain.

Megatron: I know! I'll order the Constructicons to build me a high powered tracker beam that will suck them into a Space Bridge. Then the Space Bridge will spit them out into space where they float around forever! MU HA MU HA MU HAHAHAHAHAAH!

Bonecrusher: You want us to build you a what?

Megatron: Or maybe a supersonic beam of condensed energy that will blast them to sub atomic particles!

Hook: Huh?

Megatron: Or build a big mirror in space that will shot a laser beam of sunlight at the Earth, where it will overheat and melt them to death!

(Bonecrusher looks at Hook and shrugs)

Saruman: Or we could just walk over and take it from them.

Megatron: Oh yeah, well, that would work too.

Saruman: (He rolls his eyes) I don't think I could handle another one of you running around!

Rumble: Tell me about it! Who do you think has the real brains around here? It's Soundwave!

Megatron: Shut up, Rumble!

*

(Optimus and Hot Rod are walking toward Mt. Doom. Hot Rod is walking ahead of Optimus, leading the way. Optimus has the Matrix on a chain around his neck).

Optimus: You want my Matrix don't you?

Hot Rod: No I don't.

Optimus: Yes you do.

Hot Rod: I DO NOT!!!!

Optimus: YES YOU DO!

Hot Rod: (turns toward him) NOOOOO I DOOOOOOOOOOOON'T!!!!!!!!

Optimus: Aha! There you see? You just looked at it again!

Hot Rod: I did not!

Optimus: Yes you did!

Hot Rod: I DID NOT! Well then why don't you just put it back into yourself again and not have it hang on that stupid chain!

Optimus: No way! This way I get to look at my precious more. Also I get to see how badly you want to take it from me.

Hot Rod: LOOK! I am not trying to take your Matrix OKAY!!!! (He is on his last nerve).

Optimus: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yes you are.

Hot Rod: OH MY GAWD!!!! (He opens a channel to Autobot City). Hot Rod to Skylynx, are you there?

Skylynx: Skylynx here, Hot Rod.

Hot Rod: I need you to come and pick us up. Optimus is driving me crazy!

Skylynx: You know the most wonderful mechanism in all creation would be happy to lend you a hand Hot Rod, but I have orders to stay here.

Hot Rod: WHAT!!!!!

Skylynx: Yes, something about an epic adventure or something like that, anyway, I can't remember what Ultra Magnus said, as I was too busy watching Friends.

Hot Rod: You've got to help me Skylynx! I can't handle this quest anymore. If I hang around Optimus Prime one minute longer, I'm gonna kill him!

Optimus: THERE IT IS! There is the confession I was waiting for! I knew you were secretly planning to kill me!

Hot Rod: See what I mean?

Optimus: You're never going to take my precious away! NEVER!

Skylynx: HAHAHAHAH!!!!! Joey just squirted milk out of his nose!

Hot Rod: Are you even listening to me, Skylynx?

Skylynx: What did you say, Hot Rod?

Hot Rod: I said you've got to come and get me! Somebody else needs to drag his dumb ass to the mountain and end this quest!

Skylynx: NO WAY!! Rachel just told Monica she may be pregnant!

Hot Rod: I give up! (He hangs up on Skylynx and gets down on his knees). Primus, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. And PLEASE send somebody here to rescue me!

Optimus: And Primus, grant me the strength to fight off Hot Rod when he tries to rip the Matrix away from me!

Hot Rod: I hate you. ________________________________________________________________________

Saruman: The time has come for us to fly! But first, we must unite our forces! (Saruman slaps Rumble on the forehead, leaving a white hand mark).

Rumble: Hey! What did you do that for?

Saruman: Your people will wear the white hand of Saruman.

Rumble: Oh yeah, ya geeky wizard freak? Take this! (Rumble whips out a can of purple Krylon paint and sprays it in Saruman's face). Taste the Decepticon mark, skwooshy!

Saruman: AAAHHHHHH!!!! Okay, Okay! I take it back I take it back!!!!

Megatron: Put that paint away, Rumble! (he hides it behind his back). I hate it when you do that. Soundwave, I told you to lock up that paint! You know Rumble sniffs it!

Soundwave: Yes mighty Megatron! (He chases Rumble around the base tying to get it from Rumble, whose running around screaming, "It's my paint! IT'S MY PAINT!')

Megatron: Enough of this! It's time we left the base and attacked our foe! My clone is waiting, let's go!

They fly out of the base toward Mt. Doom.

End of Chapter 2

Okay! So, this is going to turn itself into a trilogy of its own! Can Hot Rod tolerate Optimus long enough to complete the quest? Can Gandalf gather the fellowship once more in the battle against evil? Can Soundwave ever take the Krylon paint away from Rumble? Chapter 3 shall answer these questions and more.

Hey gang? Anything you want to see added to the third and final chapter? Anything I've forgotten? Let me know, as well as what you thought of Chapter 2. I await your feedback, till then, Bye!