1. Transformer Babies by Crazomatic
Okay a few notes: This is meant to be funny, silly and illogical. Stupid? sure, why not, life if to short to take anything seriously. Have fun reading.
To the owners: I don’t own Transformers, nor will I ever. Suing me is completely futile and a waste of profit by paying a high priced attorney to track me down. So, enjoy!
* * *
The G1 babies are in the nursery. All looks quiet and peaceful. Rachet, Wheeljack, Jazz and Hound are playing Uno together, while Soundwave, Thundercracker, and Starscream are jumping rope. Unfortunately, Megatron thought Starscream was jumping for two long and kicked him in the aft to jump himself.
Starscream started bawling, then ran over to baby Bumblebee and asked if he could play with him. Bumblebee laughed at him and Starscream continued to cry. The extreme noise caused by the crying attracted the attention of Nanny, who came in to find out what the babies were doing:
All: Hi Nanny!
Nanny: Hi kids! Did you all sleep well last night?
Meggy: I did Nanny, but somebody stole my favorite teddy bear AGAIN last night.
Nanny: Oh! I’m so sorry Meggy. Now kids, stealing isn’t right! Who took Meggy’s teddy bear?
(They all look at each other).
Rachet: I didn’t take it Nanny!
Starscream: (Drying his optics) Mean either Nanny!
Nanny: (Nanny scans the room at all the cute faces looking affectionately up at her). Hmmm…something’s not right. Where’s Oppie?
Hound: He’s probably hiding in the toy chest again, Nanny. (Nanny walks over to the toy chest and sees a little red ball curled up cuddling a teddy bear).
Nanny: Oppie, did you take Meggy’s favorite teddy bear?
(Oppie shakes his head in the ‘No’ fashion).
Meggy: MY TEDDY BEAR! GIVE IT BACK! (He snatches it away). I shall destroy you, leaving your burning carcass to float around the galaxy for this!
Nanny: Meggy! You need to learn how to be nice, even when your friends aren’t always nice to you. Now what is going to happen when you’re all grown up and start talking like that?
Meggy: I don’t know Nanny. Maybe they would shiver in fear and think that I’m really cool?
Nanny: I doubt that Meggy, I think people would believe you were a mean bully and you wouldn’t have any friends.
Starscream: What do you mean about when he’s all grown up? He doesn’t have any friends right now! He just kicked me when I was jumping rope. (Meggy's optics glare at Starscream).
Meggy: I have friends! I have LOTS of friends, huh Soundwave?
Soundwave: Yes, Mighty Meggy.
Meggy: See! The only people who don’t have friends are the ones who rat on their playmates, you worthless piece of garbage! (Starscream begins to well up with tears again).
Nanny: Meggy! That’s bad manners! I know I never taught you how to talk like that! Say you’re sorry immediately to Starscream and then apologize to me and all your other playmates for using filthy language!
Meggy: I’m sorry to all my playmates, except to that worthless piece of garbage. (Starscream begins to wail, and the whole gang covers their audio receptors as his glass shattering vocal modulator seems to exceed the loudest sounds on Earth).
Nanny: What am I ever going to do with you Meggy? I think you need a time out, and you can’t return until you have sincerely apologized for being so horrible today.
(The others beg Meggy to say he’s sorry, as both he and they are crippled by the high pitched crying coming out of Starscream’s mouth).
Meggy: OKAY OKAY!!! I AM SORRY FOR CALLING STARCREAM A MEAN NAME! (looking at Starscream) NOW WOULD YOU PLEASE SHUT UP! (He does).
Nanny: I think maybe you are upset because you didn’t have your teddy bear today. I am sure that Oppie is very sorry for taking your teddy bear. Oppie, will you come over here and tell Meggy that you’re sorry? (Oppie shivers in fear and hops back into the toy chest, slamming the lid).
Meggy: Muhahahahah!! You see! It works!
Nanny: Hmmm, kids these days! Well, let’s play a game. How about follow the leader?
Starscream: Can I be the leader, Nanny?
Nanny: Not this time Screamy, I have an idea.
Starscream: Darn, I never get to be the leader!
Meggy: That’s because you haven’t got any talent, dummy.
Starscream: Some day I will be the leader, you’ll see.
Meggy: Maybe only for a few seconds. Then when everybody sees how retarded you are, I’ll dive in and kill you.
Starscream: Shut up!
Nanny: Enough both of you! I think the reason we should let Oppie be the leader is so that he will come out of the toy chest.
Wheeljack: AH MAN! You’re always picking him to lead us! How come he’s always the leader?
Rachet: Yeah! He’s boring and just stands in the corner all day!
(Murmuring breaks about among the playmates, as they all seem to agree that they don’t want Oppie to lead).
Nanny: We should let Oppie be the leader because he’s so shy. I think it will help him build self-confidence.
Starscream: What’s self-confidence, Nanny?
Nanny: Self-confidence is the way you see yourself. At times, it can help you overcome obstacles that stand in your way. It is really good to have self-confidence when you’re older.
Rachet: When I get older, I’m going to be a doctor.
Nanny: That’s great Rachet! Helping others is a great way to build self-confidence in others as well as yourself.
Starscream: I’m never going to get old!
Meggy: Yes you will, you stupid fool!
Nanny: MEGGY! How many times do I have to tell you to stop being mean?
Meggy: But Nanny, he’s so stupid!
Nanny: No more talking like that Meggy! (She picks him up and puts him in a crib). You just sit in your crib and think about what you just said.
Meggy: But Nanny! I did a good thing, see? I told the truth!
Starscream: Shut up!
Soundwave: I think Starscream is stupid too! (Knowing he’s going to get punished by Nanny, he jumps into the same crib as Meggy).
Starscream: OKAY FINE! Maybe I will get older! But when I do, I’m going to be a scientist!
Nanny: That’s good to hear Screamy! Sounds like you’re on the right path to getting some good, healthy, self confidence.
Jazz: Yeah, all for except poor Oppie.
Nanny: That’s right Jazz. That’s why it’s important for us to help him find some.
Meggy: He’ll never get any! He’ll just be a dumb, stupid mute like he is today!
Nanny: We mustn’t tease Oppie just because he doesn’t talk as much as we would like him too. That does not mean he’s stupid, it means he’s special.
Wheeljack: He's not special. He’s weird. He plays with that blue glowing ball thingy he keeps in his chest, calling it his “precious.”
Meggy: He’s a WAY bigger nerd than Starscream!
Starscream: Shut up!
Nanny: No, no, you misunderstand! I mean he’s gentle. He’s sensitive. He’s a thinker, and he’s probably going to be somebody great someday. That’s what I mean by special.
Meggy: I’m special too, Nanny! When I grow up I’m going to be a famous leader and conquer the universe!
Nanny: Sounds to me like you’ve got a little too much self confidence!
Meggy: I will! I will! You’ll see! You will all be my slaves and I’ll be able to go anywhere I want and not be stuck in a crib all day!
Nanny: That’s enough Meggy! Your behavior has been very bad today. I’m going to keep you in that crib all day unless you show me how you are going to talk nice to your playmate Starscream and Oppie. Soundwave, come out of that crib. (Soundwave looks at Meggy, then back at Nanny, then back at Meggy).
Soundwave: Sorry Mighty Meggy, but she’s bigger than me.
Meggy: That’s alright Soundwave, I like your obedience to authority figures. Someday I can use that when I conquer the universe, then kill Oppie, and Starscream.
Soundwave: Cool! I’m so there!
Nanny: Alright kids, maybe we should just go to the playground!
All: Yeah! (They start to run for the door. Meggy looks horrified).
Meggy: Can’t I go too, Nanny? The thought of me not being there among my comrades guiding them to conquest on the jungle gym is too much for me to bear!
Nanny: You have been awfully cranky today. (She stops and thinks to herself “Conquest? Comrades?”) I think it would be best if you cooled down with a nap this time Meggy.
Meggy: But it’s Oppie’s fault! You said so yourself! You said it was because Oppie stole my favorite teddy bear that caused me to be cranky! Soundwave, play back that last transmission! (Soundwave walks over to Nanny and plays back, “I think you might be cranky because you didn’t have your teddy bear.”)
Nanny: I can’t believe you were taping this conversation, Soundwave! Well, maybe I did say that, but that’s still no excuse for your actions today.
Meggy: But he is the one who should be sitting in here and not me! He STOLE MY TEDDY BEAR! He even stole it the night before and the night before that! Why am I getting punished? You treat him like he’s some kind of angel, well he’s not! He’s a thief and should be executed at once!
Ironhide: Awwww, be quiet Meggy! You’re just mad because your stuck in the crib and not the leader! (They all start to run outside to play).
Meggy: No I’m not! I’ll get my revenge upon you all! Especially Oppie!
Nanny: Revenge isn’t right either! Now sit there and think about what you’ve done.
Meggy: I’m warning you! You could cause serious psychological damage to my fragile mind by doing this!
Nanny: You have acted anything but fragile today. I’ll be back in thirty minutes. (She starts to leave).
Meggy: No! Wait Nanny!
Nanny: What is it this time, Meggy?
Meggy: Will you please, ummmmm, change my diaper before you go?
[Sometime later that week]
The Transformer babies are playing happily together on the playground; with the exception of Oppie, whose making a sandcastle by himself. Many of the babies are playing Dodge-ball. The game is getting very intense, as one by one they are getting picked off by the ball tagging them out. The only two left one either side of the court are Megs and Starscream.
Meggy: SO, the game comes down to just the both of us, does it? You shall surely feel the wrath of Meggy!
Starscream: You can’t defeat me in battle that easily Meggy! Do your worst!
(Jazz looks at Ultra Maggy from the side of the court) What’s their problem, man? I mean sheesh, it’s just a game. You’d think they were in some kind of war.
Ultra Maggy: Yeah, they take this stuff way too seriously.
(Meggy throws the ball as hard as he can toward Starscream, who barely manages to dodge it, but instead smacks Oppie’s sandcastle and destroys it).
(Jazz and Ultra Maggy run over to Oppie, whose expression looks like his heart has been crushed into a thousand pieces )
Meggy: Muhahahahah! That was so funny! Hey sandcastle nerd! Why don’t you throw that ball back over here?
Ultra Maggy: Hey! Why don’t you say you’re sorry for destroying Oppie’s sandcastle?
Meggy: I don’t have to say anything because I didn’t do it on purpose! Besides, it was a stupid castle, anyway.
(Seeing the tears well up in Oppie’s optics, Jazz pats him on the back) Don’t worry, you can make another one, and your not a complete nerd, your just a little bit of a nerd, that’s all.
Ultra Maggy: JAZZ!
Meggy: I’m still waiting!
(Tears begin to fall)
Ultra Maggy: Don’t cry, be big bots like us and be tough!
Meggy: HELLO! Can I get my ball back now?
(Oppie dries his optics and picks up the ball lying in the sand. Instead of throwing it back, Oppie walks towards Meggy with the ball in his hand).
Meggy: (sarcastically) What? You want to play? Is that what you want? (Oppie nods his head in the ‘yes’ fashion). Fine! Starscream, get out of the way, the champion of NERDS wants to challenge me.
Starscream: What? We haven’t even finished our game yet and it’s MY TURN!
Meggy: Oh please! I whip your aft every time we play, so what makes you think you can defeat me today? But NERD here thinks he’s got something to prove, so MOVE!
(A crowd begins to grow. Never before have they witnessed Oppie make an aggressive move. Oppie takes Starscream’s side of the court as he moves into the crowd to watch).
Meggy: Well? Do something! You DO know how to play don’t you?
(Jazz and Ultra Maggy look at each other and shrug. They can’t remember a time when they saw Oppie play a contact game).
(Oppie throws the ball at Meggy with such incredible force that it sends him flying backwards into the pavement, where he skids to a stop).
Soundwave: Mighty Meggy!
(Oppie walks back over to the sandlot)
(The babies are stunned. Some are mixed with happiness that Meggy got his just desserts for being such a bigmouth, but others become frightened, as they had never witnessed such power come out of a baby before. The whistle blows and the crowd runs back into the nursery. Soundwave helps Meggy sit up from the payment).
Starscream: You never saw that one coming did you Meggy? Pathetic! (He kicks him and skips away, laughing hysterically all the way back to the nursery).
(Back at the nursery, the babies quietly murmur amongst themselves about the events that took place at the playground. Nanny senses there’s tension in the room.)
Nanny: Hi kids! Did you have a good time at the playground?
Starscream: I did Nanny! I had a REALLY GOOD TIME!
Nanny: That’s good Screamy, tell me about what you did?
Starscream: Today I played Dodge-Ball and watched Meggy’s ass get WHOOPED by Oppie.
Meggy: Shut up, I did not! (his metal did look very dirty)
Soundwave: That was pretty funny!
Meggy: YOU TOO Soundwave? You would betray me by siding with that insolent piece of garbage?
Soundwave: Well, you did get your ass whooped!
Meggy: I DID NOT GET MY ASS WHOOPED!
Starscream: Yes you did.
Meggy: I DID NOT!
Soundwave: Yes you did.
Meggy: DID NOT!
Meggy: DID NOT DID NOT DID NOT!!!!!!
Nanny: Alright stop it! It doesn’t matter who won or who lost. All that matters is that you had fun!
Starscream: I had fun watching Meggy get his ass whooped.
Meggy: I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!!! (Meggy reaches out and starts to strangle Starscream. Nanny reaches for Meggy and puts him in a crib)
Nanny: Just calm down Meggy! (Meggy is breathing heavily) It’s not okay to put your hands on one of your playmates. Starscream and Soundwave, come over here right now and say you’re sorry to Meggy for teasing him. (They both walk over and say in unison, ‘sorry Meggy’).
Meggy: (looking obviously infuriated) THIS ISN’T OVER! (Nanny gives him a cross look) I mean, . . .uh . . No problem, friends!
Nanny: Good! Well, now that we are all friends again, we can play a game called . . (she stops) Where’s Oppie?
(Everybody in the playroom rooms around)
Ultra Maggy: In the toy chest again? (they all run over to the toy chest, with the exception of Starscream and Soundwave, who could give a flying leap where he is. They open the lid and find it empty).
Nanny: Oh No! He isn’t there!
Hot Roddy: Maybe he’s in the bathroom?
Jazz: He doesn’t go to the bathroom silly! He wears diapers like us!
Hot Roddy: Yeah, but this one time I saw him go in there and change his diaper all by himself!
Nanny: You saw Oppie change his own diaper? (she thinks to herself, ‘he’s too young to know how to do that!’).
Hot Roddy: Yeah! It took him no time at all to do it too. Weird huh?
Meggy: (shouting from his crib) That means he’s an even bigger NERD that we thought! (the babies nod in agreement with Meggy).
Starscream: Yeah! Whose ever heard of a baby changing his own poopy diapers!
Soundwave: You poop in your diapers, Screamy?
Starscream: Well yeah, don’t you?
Starscream: Oh. (his face flushes)
Nanny: We must find him! The last place everybody saw him was the playground, so I think we should start searching there!
Meggy: Can’t I go too? I mean after all, he’s my friend and I soooo care about him (his red optics grow big with a sympathetic look).
Nanny: (thinking to herself for a moment) Well,. . . .okay.
Meggy: (to himself) Sucker!
(Everybody rushes outside looking for Oppie, suddenly Hot Roddy shouts ‘I FOUND HIM!’ The gang runs over to a tall tree, where Oppie is perched on a branch high at the top)
Nanny: (in a desperate voice) OH MY POOR LITTLE BABY OPPIE!
(Starscream and Meggy roll over in laughter)
Nanny: Oppie! Won’t you come down?
(Oppie grips the branch tightly nodding his head frantically in the ‘no’ fashion)
Ultra Maggy: He’s really stuck!
(Meggy and Starscream are howling with laughter)
Ultra Maggy: Be quiet both of you! I bet he’s frightened to death and then you come along and make it worse!
(Meggy slaps Starscream’s arm) Yeah, shut up Starscream!
Starscream: Owww! Jerk!
Nanny: Stop this at once! Oppie is stuck and I might have to call the fire department to get him down.
(Starscream and Meggy start howling with laughter again)
Wheeljack: Maybe I can construct a ladder to get him down!
Ultra Maggy: That might take to long! We need to do something quick!
Grimlock: Me, Grimmy knock tree down! (Grimlock transforms to dino-mode and uses his head as a battling ram against the tree. The tree shakes violently, which only causes Oppie to grip the branch tighter, screaming ‘AHHHHHHHH’).
Nanny: No Grimmy don’t! You’ll only scare him more! (Oppie starts crying)
Hot Roddy: I’ll get him down! (Roddy jumps up the tree and begins to make his way up the branches)
Kup: Don’t do it lad! It’s too dangerous!
Nanny: Come down Roddy! You could make things worse!
(Roddy reaches the top of the tree, then crouches down and with one hand hangs on the tree trunk to stable himself, then reaches out with the other hand towards Oppie)
Hot Roddy: Reach for my hand, Oppie! (Oppie shakes his head violently in the ‘no’ fashion).
Hot Roddy: What are you afraid of? Here, I’ll come out closer to you (Roddy inches his way closer to Oppie, then suddenly the branch splinters and cracks)
Hot Roddy: Uh Oh. . .(the weight causes the branch to fall, Roddy grabs the tree trunk and is safe, while Oppie falls straight down to the ground with a crash).
(The crowd gathers around Oppie, who is immediately scooped up by Nanny. She runs toward the nursery with him hysterically calling his name. Roddy climbs back down).
Ultra Maggy: (with his hands on his hips) Nice one Roddy!
Hot Roddy: Hey! I was just trying to help him!
Kup: You might have gotten him killed!
Meggy: Wouldn’t that be funny if he was really dead!?
(The others look at him angrily)
Meggy: I mean . . . Oh how horrible!
Hot Roddy: I didn’t mean to hurt him, it’s just that I wanted to help, that’s all!
Kup: Next time, stay away lad!
Ultra Mags: Trouble always seems to follow you around!
Hot Roddy: (ignoring them) Hey! What’s that? (suddenly in the bushes beside the tree they see a light beaming through the leaves. Roddy pushes the branches aside and stares amazed, the crowd gathers to look)
All: IT’S THE BLUE GLOWING BALL THINGY!
Hot Roddy: WOW! (he picks it up. Suddenly and without warning, he begins to grow in size, and the voice of Peter Cullen comes out of nowhere and says, “Arise Training Pants Prime!”)
Meggy: What the HELL! Where did that voice come from?
(They all look around)
Ultra Maggy: The glowing thingy must have popped out of Oppie when he fell!
(They all stare at Roddy, a.k.a Training Pants Prime, who looks very similar to his old self, with the exception that he is the size of a toddler now and wears a pair of golden Huggies Pull Ups).
Training Pants Prime: Look at me! I’m a big kid now! (he pulls down his pants, then pulls them back up again).
Starscream: I want to wear the Training Pants now! (Starscream reaches for Training Pants Prime)
Training Pants Prime: No way! I’m not sharing my pants with you, you might poop in them!
Meggy: (howls with laughter) Yeah! Nobody wants to share with you POOPY PANTS!
Starscream: Shut up!
Meggy: When’s the last time you crapped your pants today, Screamy?
Starscream: SHUT UP!
Meggy: You said you just crapped how many minutes ago?
Starscream: I DO NOT CRAP IN MY DIAPERS, OKAY!
Meggy: Yes you do!
Starscream: NO I DON’T!
Meggy: (making a farting noise with his hands) OH YES YOU DO!!!
Starscream: DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T!!!!
Meggy: DO DO DO DO DO DO!!!!!!!!!You just don’t do, you go do-do!
Starscream: I DO NOT CRAP MY PANTS!
Ultra Maggy: STOP IT OKAY WE BELIEVE YOU! (Starscream is panting heavily) We should go back to the nursery to find out if Oppie’s okay!
Jazz: Yeah, but when Nanny sees Training Pants Prime, she’ll flip!
Kup: Maybe you shouldn’t go back to the nursery with us Rod. . .uh . .I mean, Training Pants Prime, just for now.
Training Pants Prime: Wait! I want to go! After all, I have to give him his thingy back! Here, I’ll take it out. (He takes it out of himself and returns back to Hot Roddy). LETS GO!
Meggy: Let’s not be too hasty! We should find out what this thingy is before we return it. It may be the key that unlocks the clues to conquering the universe! (he looks around, finding himself standing all alone).
Meggy: Duoh! (he runs back to the nursery with the others).
(Back at the nursery, Nanny is cradling Oppie in her arms, who is wrapped in a blanket. She is singing to him, ‘you must have been a beautiful baby’ he giggles. The gang all tromps in and sees Nanny with Oppie. Meggy is the last to tromp in).
Nanny: Isn’t it wonderful kids? Oppie’s fine!
Ultra Maggy: That’s great to hear Nanny. But what was he doing at the top of the tree?
(The whole gang goes ‘YEAH!’)
Nanny: Well kids, he was trying to put a baby bird back in its nest when he realized how high he was and couldn’t climb back down.( The gang goes, ‘Ohhh’)
Meggy: A baby bird? All that for a STUPID BIRD! That is the lamest thing I ever heard, I mean, what a friggin’ stupid thing to get stuck up a tree for!
Nanny: Oppie was just being his sweet self by trying to help someone in need. (she looks affectionately at him, ‘weren’t you my cute little boy!’) He giggles.
Meggy: GAWD! That’s disgusting! Why, if it were any more disgusting, it would be right up there with Screamy’s poopy diapers!
Starscream: I hate you.
Kup: (looking at Ultra Maggy) When will those two ever stop?
Ultra Maggy: They’re really two of a kind.
Kup: Yeah, why they remind me of a set of identical twins fighting it out in the birth canal.
Ultra Maggy: You know what? That’s a really weird thing to say!
Kup: Well it does!
Ultta Maggy: How the HELL would you know what it’s like going down a birth canal?!!
Kup: Cuz I remember like it was yesterday, I squeezed and I squeezed . . .
Ultra Mags: EWWWW! You’re a FREAK Kup! (Ultra Mags runs away)
Kup: Fine run away! I’ll just go and play with Roddy then. (Kup approaches Roddy who sees him coming and runs away). Was it really that weird? Gosh, maybe I shouldn’t tell everybody all the things I can remember.
(Nanny puts Oppie down and yawns) It’s been a long and exciting day kids, and I need a nap! (The babies all start to yawn as well. It has been a long day. The babies all take sleeping mats and lie atop of them for naptime. Oppie climbs into the toy chest and closes the lid. Meggy snuggles his teddy bear. Soundwave and Starscream jump into cribs).
(Roddy taps on the lid of the toy chest. Oppie slowly opens it) Here is your blue thingy. You lost it when you fell from the tree. I’m sorry you fell and got hurt. Will you forgive me? (Oppie’s eyes well up with tears. He hugs Roddy.Â He then takes the blue glowing ball thingy and puts it back into his chest, then sinks back down into the toy chest with the lid closing down on top of him).
Hot Roddy: Sleep tight Oppie!
(Naptime ends and the babies wake up one by one)
Meggy: DAMN IT ALL TO HELL! WHERE’S MY TEDDY BEAR!
The End. Continued in Chapter 2 “Meggy’s Glorious Destiny!”